Trivial Pursuits

Why the ukulele?

2011-11-16T02:55:00.001-08:00

Lately I have been somewhat obsessed with the ukulele. Maybe it's residual teenage ambition to play the guitar that still lingers.

I was never very good at the guitar. I don't know if I lacked talent or ambition. I do know I lacked the physical dexterity to hit the chords just right. I have short fingers. I'd go so far as to call then "stubby." That's not exactly a trait any guitar player would wish for, much less have. If they did have it, well, they wouldn't be guitar players would they?

I thought this craving would somehow be sated thanks to "Guitar Hero" and video games of this ilk. But instead it has grown. That's not good for a person with admittedly no rhythm, and what can only be described as "tone deafness." And that is being kind.

So where is a person with no sense of rhythm, no ambition, no real musical talent, and stubby fingers to go? Especially if they are haunted by the spectre of Les Paul?

There's only one place... The ukulele.

1) Thin neck for stubby fingers- check
2) Only four strings for the untalented- check
3) It's a cheap toy which requires no major investment for the unmotivated- check
4) It's a freaking ukulele (for those without rhythm)-check

I think I need one.

If only to exorcise these guitar hero demons still lurking in my heart.

*isms

2011-09-28T03:48:00.001-07:00

I don't quite understand *isms.

I speak of course of racism, sexism, and the rest of the ugly *isms we encounter on a daily basis.

To outright dislike someone based on race, sex, sexual orientation, nationality, or the family they come from makes no sense. There are SO many reasons and things to possibly dislike about a person; why focus on the one trait they were born with? It's imbecile.

You can dislike a person's malformed opinions.
You can dislike the disgusting manner in which they slurp their soup.
You can dislike their undersized or oversized apparel.

You can dislike all manner of stuff. It's very easy to find something to hate about another person. Humans are notorious for annoying the bejesus out of each other.

I guess I don't get why you'd want to pigeonhole yourself to an *ism. There's a world of hate out there ready for the plundering!

On Mortality

2011-07-22T10:05:00.000-07:00

It's not often one is faced with their own mortality.

It's rather an interesting thing.

You think to yourself, "Well, if I knew for certain I was going to die in X amount of days, weeks, months or years, I would react like so." But when the time comes you find your reaction to be, well, different for lack of a better term.

The Kübler-Ross model or DABDA, if you will, is rather accurate in my experience:

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

Although, I find that it is not an easy step by step linear process.

It's more of a cycle.

A rinse and repeat type of cycle.

Denial never showed up to the party. There was no need. He was never invited, he never showed.

Anger shows up in small spurts, gets tired and goes home only to return with a fervor the next night.

Bargaining make an occasional appearance but is usually pushed out of the buffet line by Depression.

Depression likes to hang around quite a bit, and usually shares his woes with Anger.

Acceptance hangs out on the porch and sticks his head into the party every so often as though to tease those in attendance that he may indeed commit to the party. But as much as he wants to, he never seems to make it past the front porch.

And then the next night, it begins again.

And again.

I often thought when faced with my own mortality I would do something spectacular, something awe inspiring, something, I don't know... loud.

And yet, as I sit here facing it with open eyes, all I want to do is sleep.

I do need my rest after all, I have guests coming over later tonight.

There's going to be a party.

Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance and I will be celebrating my short life, and laughing at Denial.

On the art of politics

2011-04-28T16:59:00.000-07:00

When I was younger I followed politics with the fervor of a wolverine. I knew all the movers and shakers, read all the important books, watched CSPAN during house votes, etc...

Perhaps you might say I was idealistic in my youth, but that would be completely and utterly wrong.

I was as conservative as can be. I registered as a Republican the moment I turned 18 and could register to vote.

What I never subscribed to social conservatism, my argument involved fiscal conservatism. I believed and still do believe in a federal government that kind of just worked to keep the states getting along, but that ultimately the states get to do what is best for the folks that live there. The important issues one faces in New York, may seem trivial to one that resides in Omaha. I mean, we are not a "one-size-fits-all" nation.

But lately over the course of the years, I've begun to question my "loyalty" (for lack of a better term) to the GOP. I dislike the course the party has taken, with the whole "Family Values" label they've tried to pervert. Again, we are not a "one-size-fits-all" nation. What I consider a "family" may vary from what you may consider a "family." Yet we are both right.

I cannot for the life of me consider myself a liberal, as I do have issues with some of the Democratic Party stands in regards to fiscal issues, but at the same time I do find myself agreeing on many of the social stands.

So my question is, what am I?

I believe in a small federal government that does not interfere with an individual's rights to make money or to live their life in whatever manner they choose.

I believe in having a strong military and federal funding of NPR and Planned Parenthood.

I believe in abstinence as an ideal, but agree with the reality that teens NEED to know alternatives.

I believe that those that worked hard to make a fortune should not be penalized to making it by being taxed to death, but I do believe it's gotten out of hand.

If we were talking sexuality, I'd be a bisexual.

Am I a Bipartisan?

What's the logo? An Donkey riding an Elephant? A small elephant with donkey ears?

I prefer the latter.

I hereby proclaim the official bipartisan logo for others of my kind to rally behind is Dumbo.

Dumbo.

Makes as much sense as anything going on in this country anyway.

To state the obvious

2011-02-07T00:36:00.001-08:00

"You know wrestling isn't real, right?"

Why does everyone ask me this when they find out I enjoy wrestling?

I don't ask them, "You know American Idol is rigged, right?"

I don't see how telling me how "fake" it is will change my opinion. Although, I am fascinated by folks' interpretation of "fake" is.

Is the lack of reality the fact that wrestling has a predetermined ending? A lot of shows on TV do. Does something being a work of fiction automatically carry the stigma of being "fake"?

Or is it because it was long believed to be a work of nonfiction and a true athletic competition? The problem with this argument is that it has LONG been known that the ending were predetermined. How long? Before TV came into the picture. Think on that for a minute.

Maybe because wrestling is a live performance, without retakes, it cannot be categorized among regular fictional TV fare. Theater, ballet and the circus do not fit that category either, but no one would argue that because they are also live performances, they should not tell fictionalized stories.

Perhaps the term used to describe wrestling in the new media universe, "sports entertainment" is what causes people to fail to get over it. I guess the Ice Capades in the 70's and 80's, based on the sport of Ice Skating, but telling fictionalized stories would not be considered "sports entertainment" in today's day and age, correct?

My point is, yes I know wrestling is "fake" you moron. Asking me only exposes your stupidity to the world, dumbass.

What do dogs dream about?

2011-02-05T21:12:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I sit there and watch my dogs sleep. They're funny little dogs that like sleeping on their backs.

They look so peaceful, and calm... and then the twitching starts. It usually starts with their whiskers. Then it moves on to the upper lip, as though they are trying to look vicious, baring their itty bitty teeth.

The next thing you know, hind legs start kicking, and front paws flap, and then something along a high pitched whine turn growl will come out and they'll wake up with a start.

I often wonder what their dreams are about. Obviously they start out pretty good, but by the end I know they must turn scary as when they wake up it takes them a few seconds to calm down.

Do they dream of running in wide open fields chasing bunnies, only to have those bunnies turn into giant semi trucks with teeth that breathe fire that chase them until they fall off a cliff... and then they wake up?

Do they dream of being a tiny puppy surrounded with sausages and hamburgers and all the food they could every eat only to have those giant sausages and burgers turn into giant semi trucks with teeth that breathe fire that chase then until they fall off a cliff... and then they wake up?

Maybe they're dreaming of spreading a fun day with me, playing ball outside in the yard... only to have ME turn into a giant semi truck with teeth that breathes fire that chases them until they fall off a cliff?

I guess I'll never know.

But I am certain of one thing: There's giant semi trucks with teeth breathing fire chasing them until they fall off a cliff.

I'd bet money on it.

The lullaby of Broadway...

2010-11-03T03:53:00.001-07:00

As I sat here listening a musical selection from "Rent" that Pandora insisted I must like since I tend to have Patti Lupone on heavy rotation on my Musical Theater station, it occurred to me how utterly depressing Rent truly is. It also occurred to me that Pandora is a poor judge of character. Why else name the program after the source of all the evils of the world? I suppose it's questions of this sort that kept Robert Stack in kibble so for many years after his Untouchables days. I digress.

Back to the impossibly depressing Rent... Now, it's not that I dislike Rent. The melodies are modern, the hooks memorable, and the heavy handed "message" gives me that ABC After School Special vibe that is both familiar and disturbing:
"In The Shadow of Love: A Teen AIDS Story"

I kid you not. Look it up. Omar Epps (of House fame) and Harvey Fierstein (if you don't know him by name, shame on you) are both in it.

Back to Rent.

Anyhow, I never gave this play more than a fleeting thought. It didn't speak to me, as I could never envision myself in the situations those characters found themselves in. Forget the disease, I'm talking about being 20 something, squatting in some flat, without electricity, and most probably having some kind of body lice from living in squalor and not bathing on a regular basis.

This is saying quite a bit, considering I grew up watching West Side Story, The King and I, The Sound of Music, Mary Poppins, Evita, Tommy, and Jesus Christ Superstar.

Obviously I had enough imagination to be able to connect and envision myself being a Jazz dancing Puerto Rican Young-Tuff, marrying a bald King in Siam, running away from Nazis with my Austrian singing family and an ex-nun, while eating spoon fulls of sugar, becoming first lady of Argentina, beating Elton John at Pinball and starting my own religion... Heck, I even believed Judas was black! I've got imagination. I know all about letting go and letting the story take hold.

And like Maude... And then there's Rent.

I met a young girl, identity withheld by my choice, who had a seemingly sick obsession with Rent. She was in high school at the time, and was chin deep in the teenage drama muck that is adolescence. Her fangirl affair can be forgiven, as I'm sure I latched onto something equally depressing at the time (I recall a Grunge period.)

Fast forward this child's life to her 20s, and she's living the dream. Squatting and all ill manner of vices that come with that social status.

I came to the conclusion that it must be a some kind of generational gap.

All the musicals I grew up watching had happy endings. Even West Side Story. Tony is martyred and the gang war ends. If you are a Christian you'll also see JCS ending as happy too. Without his death, there is no way, right?

Rent doesn't end. Sure you get an onstage conclusion to their drama, but AIDS isn't cured. They're still gonna die. They're still homeless, unemployed, and battling drug addiction. (Addiction is never cured, it just controlled... The More You Know...)

I aspired to better myself as those I saw on the stage. I guess kids now don't aspire. They just accept.

Rent didn't create this atmosphere of "The is What Life Is, Sucks to Be You." It's just a byproduct.

I wonder what else Pandora thinks I like.

Where did the magic go?

2010-10-23T20:33:00.001-07:00

I sometimes wonder where did the magic go?

I remember not that long ago, believing in the irrational; in that which cannot be seen, held or heard; in that which must be taken on faith alone.

Somewhere out there lived Santa Claus, toiling away in his workshop, making most excellent wooden toys for every good child of the world. Granted, I myself never received a wooden toy for Christmas, nor did I know any child that had.

Not once did I think anything of it, though. I just knew both could exist.

Halloween was a scary time of the year when ghosts and all manner of boogeyman roamed the vacant, darken streets of fall. Just because you couldn't see them, didn't mean they didn't exist. You just knew they did, on faith alone.

David Copperfield once made the Statue of Liberty disappear from it's base on Liberty Island. I saw it happen. How can you not believe when you see it? It was magic.

Magic, superstitions, folklore... The world was an amazing place back then. Somewhere beyond the confides of my home, unicorns galloped, gnomes mined, and I suppose Smurfs lived.

Nothing bad could ever happen in this world of never ending possibilities. I could grow up to be an astronaut or president, or marry a prince and become royalty. Anything and everything was possible.

So when did the magic leave? When did Santa become an alcoholic with a grungy fake beard? When did this huge unknown world become so very small?

The simple answer everyone gives me is, "you grew up!" That is not only a simplistic answer, but a lazy one, to boot. There are millions of grown ups, of adults who still have plenty of magic in their lives. Call it faith of a religious manner or call it conviction. Millions of adults believe in the unseen, the unheard, the untouched.

Age of the individual means nothing when talking about the wonders of life.

So again I ask, where is the magic that once populated my world?

Of fastfood icons, and their ilk.

2010-10-15T10:58:00.000-07:00

What is Grimace?

All these years watching McDonaldland adventures in ADD bitesized 30 sec morsels have never fully answered that question for me.

McDonaldland is obviously named for Ronald McDonald, the flat footed, onesy wearing, burger clown. Yet, he is not Mayor of McDonaldland. That job falls to Mayor McCheese, a walking, talking, sash wearing cheeseburger. No surprise or ambiguity as to his race or species there.

Maybe Ronald was like King of McDonaldland? Hmm. He wears no crown. The Burger King wears a crown, and he's always making sure you know it. He makes everyone call him "The King."

Heck, Ronald was probably just a well paid spokesman. Well paid in Happy Meals! Regardless...

Big Mac, an anthropomorphic big mac that wears a keystone cop outfit is obviously Johnny Law. There's the Hamburgler, who is somewhat human, and burgles hamburgers. Captain Crook is a pirate, and human. The Fry Guys... heck, I don't know what the fry guys are either. Maybe they're anthropomorphic mops from the McDonaldland's McDonalds custodian's closet. The Early Bird, is a bird... who flies... early.

But the Grimace... he's gynormous, and purple. He's also rather slow. Not physically slow, but mentally. On his first appearance he seemed to be obssessed with sodas and milkshakes. Later on, his Uncle O'Grimacey appears and he's totally into some disgusting green milkshake.

So apparently there are other Grimaces. A whole island of Grimaces if one is to believe those commercials disguised as a cartoon, where they have their own king. Although none of the other Grimaces appear to be nearly as stupid.

But again I am left with the question... what the heck IS Grimace?

And while we're at it, which branch of the armed forces did Colonel Sanders serve in that I have to call him The Colonel?

Also, is the Wendy's girl Ronald's bastard daughter? If so, WHO is the mother of that ginger nightmare?

I'd venture to guess, Grimace's sister.

On the welfare of Smurfs.

2010-10-15T08:30:00.000-07:00

From the Smurf cartoon produced by Hanna Barbera, to the original strips and storybooks by Peyo, we are lead to believe that the Smurf village houses 100 Smurfs.

However, I have never seen 100 different Smurfs.

I have been introduced to many, by name, but nowhere near 100 Smurfs.

I have seen background Smurfs, so I know there must be an unnamed majority that reside in the village. I see them working on the dam, picking Smurfberries, and generally walking around in the background. But where do they live?

All the "main" Smurfs that have proper, if oddly task-related, names all live in wonderfully large Mushroom houses. Most have second floors. Yet, when Gargamel tramples in the village square or we see an aerial view, there is no way there are 100 Mushroom houses in that micro hamlet.

This leads me to believe that there must be some sort of Smurf Public Housing Development (Smurf Projects, if you will) for these no-name having, not important enough to have their own house or adventures Smurfs. These Smurfs obviously have no trades, or talents and must therefore be day laborers. Handy Smurf just shows up in the middle of the square, by the well I suppose, and yells, "I need 5!" and five of these nobody Smurfs jump in the back of his pickup truck made of wood and twine and leaves.

I feel bad for these Smurfs. What if there's no big project going on? No windmill to build, no dam to reinforce, no Smurfberries to pick... do they get to eat? I mean, I've seen the spread Greedy lays out, and although it looks like enough to feed an army of Smurfs, I don't believe I've ever seen 100 Smurfs at the table.

I hope Greedy runs a soup kitchen for this underclass of Smurf. The Smurf society is supposed to be some sort of co-op, so you figure with a soup kitchen it would mildly conform.

I think I just depressed myself.

Now all I can think about is these poor Smurfs, coming home to their overcrowded Mushrooms after a day hard at work at the fields and dam and bridges, taking off their soiled caps, and going to sleep hungry, while jackasses like Brainy Smurf eats tasty cakes and drinks sarsaparilla.

Speaking of sarsaparilla, this drink is a form of root beer. I do believe I read somewhere that originally Smurfs drank regular beer.

If this is true, is there a Drunky Smurf? Do the welfare Smurfs spend the weekend drunk?
Maybe if they'd sober up they could become proficient enough in a trade to lift themselves out of the Smurf ghetto, get themselves a name and a big fancy Mushroom in the foreground. But then again, why bother? Their basic needs are met with a roof, granted a crappy roof, over their heads, soup from Greedy's soup kitchen, and they never have to worry about adventuring. Plus they get to be drunk all weekend (talk about insentive!)

Oh Smurfs, how you vex me!

Pepsi Throwback...Nice try.

2010-02-27T07:00:00.000-08:00

So, Pepsi decided to bank on my generation's new found obsession with the "retro" movement and try to snatch our hard earned disposable income with the introduction of their "Throwback" series of sodas.

For the two of you that don't know, the Pepsi Throwback campaign replaced with current packaging of Pepsi and Mountain Dew with those of bygone days. The first series featured a Pepsi can design right out of the 70's, and Mountain Dew's design was something out of the 70's-80's.

The current series features different designs. Pepsi sees a return to the 80's, while Mountain Dew returns for it's first incarnation. I actually like these designs better.

While the identity remix is nice, what really sells this promotion is the little fine print on the label.

"Made with real sugar"

That's right, the formula for this batch does away with HFCS (High Fructose Corn Syrup). Those that follow my rants know my feelings towards HFCS.

The first batch I bought (featuring the 70's Pepsi and 80's Dew) tasted fantastic! I mean, that is what soda is supposed to taste like. It's the second go-round I'm having issues with.

Mediciney aftertaste. If I wanted Mediciney aftertaste, I'd drink that abortion Dr. Pepper.

Something is fishy.

Why doesn't it taste the same as the first batch released only a few months before?

Nice try Pepsi... but you lost me, again.

Economic collapse, Webster style.

2010-01-01T01:00:00.000-08:00

It seems there is no area that is safe from the current economic turmoil. Why, the other day I realized the words my $10 used to buy 15 years ago are much more expensive to purchase today. Heck, $10 barely buys you a 3 letter word nowadays.

Surely I can excuse my shrinking vocabulary by claiming mental deterioration due to age. Why not? It's plausible.

But considering how easily everything that goes wrong in this current climate is explained away by the ever present specter of "Economic instability", why couldn't my lack of terminology come from a recession of the English language?

"Excuse me, could you please direct me to the lavatory" is now replaced with "Yo, where's the toilet?" Rudeness? Lack of couth? Nope. Blame it on inflation.

How bad is this economic language crisis?

Some people can't even afford COMPLETE words!

4 xmpl, omg f u cn undRst& dis, u alrdy knw hw bad dis cn gt 4t fucha of d en lang.

Thank you, Twitter.

I have nothing more to say. I'm out of money and out of words.

Wake me up, before you go-go

2009-06-01T09:05:00.000-07:00

I'm an addict.

I don't psychologically NEED my substance. It's not a habit I am tied to. I sometimes forget and not consume. I have found that I can go several days, weeks, even months without it. I once went a year and a half. However, if I go ONE day without, my body rebels. I suffer headaches, fatigue and all around general crankiness. Turns out, I physically need it.

I'm sure most addicts say that. They physically NEED it. They justify its existence one way or anything. That's why I'm not saying it's anything but an addiction.

I'm addicted to caffeine.

I hate coffee, though. I hate the bitter taste. I hate it hot, I hate it cold, I hate it black, I hate it with milk, with sugar, without… I dislike it quite a bit.

So where do I get my caffeine fix? Well, not so long ago it was only to be found in cola. It could be Coke, Pepsi, RC,Chek… it didn't quite matter. As long as it was some sort of cola. Mountain Dew worked too.

Now though, I tend to stick to those so-called "energy" drinks. I called them "liquid crack".

I must have tried countless brands over the years, and here my friends are the best and worst:

Redbull: 9.64mg of caffeine per oz

The first taste was an eye opener. It was sour. But, after the first initial shock, it went down smooth. It's an acquired taste, but it doesn't take long to acquire it. The most important thing though, it contains 80mg of my beloved caffeine in one can. Good enough to wake me up and keep me going at work, without keeping me up afterward when I want to sleep.

For comparison, regular coffee contains about 7.13mg per oz.

(Cuban coffee/expresso contains about 51.33 mg/oz…which is why it's served in a shotglass!)

Coke: 2.88mg/oz

Pepsi: 3.17mg/oz

RC: 3.77 mg/oz

Mountain Dew: 4.58mg/oz

The first energy drink I ever tried was:

KMX: 8.83mg/oz

This has been discontinued. Shame, really. Both flavors tasted great. Tasted much better than Redbull. Never got a chance to test it was a wake-up drink. It's got a little less of the caf than Redbull, but I'm sure it would have worked out. I miss this one.

Coca Cola Blak: 5.75mg/oz

Imagine if someone had a half a cup of stale coke and half a cup of 12 hr old coffee and said, "hey, let me pour one into the other to save room!" That's what this horrible concoction tastes like. And the worst part? It's got less caf than a 12oz can of Mountain Dew, and costs twice as much. This is garbage.

Speaking of Mountain Dew….

AMP Overdrive 8.88mg/oz

One word: Crackalicious! This is like drinking a cherry popcicle. It keeps me up much longer than Redbull, due in large because it is served in a 16oz can, thereby giving me a full 142mg of caf at a time, compared to Redbull's 8.5oz can of 80mg. But beyond that, it's the flavor that keeps me coming back for more. I don't drink it often, mostly due to the fantastic taste… I'd weigh like 400lbs and never sleep if I drank it more than I do.

Now for three that have forgettable tastes:

Full Throttle 9.00mg/oz

Monster 10.00mg/oz

SoBe No Fear 10.38mg/oz

Each has a forgettable flavor and each work about as well as Amp Overdrive. If I have a choice, between these three, I go for the cheapest, cause it really doesn't matter.

Rockstar 10.00mg/oz

Tastes like sugar water. Eh taste. I'd drink it if there wasn't any other choice, and I needed more than the kick I'd get from Mountain Dew.

Bawls 6.67mg/oz

Not much of an energy drink. Low caf count compared to some of the others. Flavor, like Rockstar is of the Eh variety. Neat bottle though. In fact the bottle is the only reason I tried it originally. I mean, look at it… it's blue and it's called BAWLS. It made for a nice vase for my desk when I was done. Other than that… eh.

Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt

Ok, so I bought this cause it had a picture of Steven Seagal on the can, looking like "Drink my drink or I'll club you like a baby seal!" And it tastes like someone poured grapefruit juice into seltzer. I drank, like half of it on a lark before deciding I couldn't stomach it much longer. Joke's on me, though. It worked-well. Kept me up on my day off of work…and prevented me from sleeping. I don't know how much caf it has, but it kicked my butt like a baby seal alright. I don't know if I'd buy more or if I can… it looks like it may be discontinued. I mean I did buy it at Walmart, for $1.00 (16oz can). I don't know if I can do the taste though. It was harsh. Not as harsh as CC Blak, though. That's just pure evil.

So back to my novelty buys…

Hogan Energy 10.00mg/oz

Much like the Steven Seagal incident, I bought a pack cause it has Hulk Hogan on it. It's green and tastes like green pixie stick. I like it; enough caf to keep me up, but not enough to prevent me from sleeping. It has just a little more kick than Redbull, with what I consider a slightly better flavor.

Next time I do a review of food-like substances, I may tackle hot sauces. I like hot sauces… more than any human should.

Twinkies and Coke

2009-01-08T09:02:00.000-08:00

So the other day I'm sitting there eating a Twinkie.

It had been a long time since I ate a Twinkie and now I remember why. It didn't taste like anything. It was essentially, tasteless.

Now, I remember as a kid these things tasting so good you might as well label them as "Kiddie crack." But now, holding one in my hands I see it's a pale imitation of the Hostess treat that used to have me begging my mom for fifty cents. And in truth it is pale. The darn thing is pale yellow, not the good golden yellow it used to be. It's also slightly greasy.

So I decided to investigate why the Twinkies I had in my kitchen today do not match those in my memory, and I came up with only one explanation: High-fructose corn syrup.

The FDA approved the use of HFCS back in 1983... my Twinkie munching heyday. Soon there after, I assume they phased out using cane sugar as the sweetener and switched to the cheaper, less satisfying HFCS.

You may ask, can corn syrup REALLY make that much of a difference in the taste? I mean, the soda companies started replacing cane sugar with corn syrup around that time too and no one really noticed a difference. Or did they?

Anyone remember New Coke?

For 79 days in 1985, Coke stopped producing , well Coke, and introduced New Coke which was sweeter and some claimed tasted like Pepsi. Then when it failed miserably Coke Classic (or Classic Coke if you will) was rolled off the assembly line.

Now I'm not saying that this is when the switch took place, but it makes sense both in terms of timeline and taste.

HFCS is much sweeter than natural sugar. This means less is needed to produce a desired outcome. A company having a patented formula much like the Coca Cola Company might initially use the same amount of HFCS as it used natural sugar thereby producing a drink that would taste MUCH sweeter to the public.

Of course I have no proof, but luckily none is needed when you're complaining as I am.

People were so happy to get rid of the sickly sweet New Coke that no one noticed a slight difference in taste in the regular Coke.That is, except for us few that happen to travel out of the country.

See, every other country on this planet still uses cane sugar to this day! In their Twinkies, Coke, Snicker bars, all junk food! Go to Canada or Mexico and get yourself a Coke. You will never drink American Coke again.

Now... in doing research into HFCS and why my Twinkie tasted like a napkin soaked in Crisco, I did discover a bit of information I was unaware of: during Passover, Kosher foods do not contain HFCS! So if you cannot make it to Canada or Mexico, or even a little Mexican bodega where they import Coke made in their bottling plants, you can always hit stores that carry Kosher foods during Passover.

Just look for Coke or anything else you are looking for, marked "KOSHER".

That information was my only saving grace. See, HFCS is here to stay. The Corn farmers and their advocates would claim loss of revenue. My solution? Grow your corn and make me some alcohol to run my car! Leave my snack foods to the Cane Sugar growers. Hawaii and Florida farmers need revenue too.

So, I hereby declare CORN is to blame for all of my woes.

Not with a bang, but a whimper...

2008-09-30T08:59:00.000-07:00

And just like that, a legend quickly fades from memory.

I speak of course, of the House that Ruth built, THE Cathedral of Baseball, Yankee Stadium.

The first team the Yankees played when they opened Yankee Stadium was the Boston Red Sox. The score was 4-1. Yankees won. That season, they didn't stop winning, and went straight through to the World Series and won that too. That's how it started.

This is how it ends:

The final game has been played. Now all that remains is the waiting for the demolition crew and proverbial wrecking ball to arrive. You see, after 85 years of hosting 37 World Series, 4 All Star Games, countless boxing matches (including the famous Joe Louis vs Schmeling bout), multi Papal visits, and concerts, this monument to more than baseball is going to be torn down... to make room for a parking lot.

Before Yankee Stadium, most baseball teams played in fields, or parks. Yankee Stadium was one of the FIRST ballparks to be given the title of Stadium. This obviously means nothing.

Now you too can park your SUV where Lou Gehrig gave his famous "Luckiest Man on the Face of the Earth" speech. I can picture it now... fresh grease stains on the spot Mickey Mantle hit the big 5-0-0, a few more where Mr. October hit three home runs on three consecutive pitches in game 6, a tailgate party where Adolf Hitler's Aryan Superman was knocked out by the Brown Bomber, and handicap parking logo spray painted over the spot where legendary Notre Dame coach Knute Rockne gave his "win one for the Gipper" speech. Living history.

Perhaps I am making too much of this. I mean, it's only a building right? Not in New York. No structure with that many memories attached to it, especially in town like New York can ever be considered "JUST a building." It's an icon. It's a historical landmark. It's yesterday's news.

And what better testament to Yankee Stadium's new found worth, than to end it's use, not on the grandest stage possible, the World Series, but in a lowly regular season game, against of all teams, the Baltimore Orioles. At least the Yankees won right? Not much consolation.

I wonder what they'll call the new home of the New York Yankees? The Wachovia-American Airlines-Hertz Rent-a-Car Center? Ya, I'm sure we'll be building memories worthy of inclusion in history books there.

Meanwhile, the ghosts of Yankee Stadium will be standing vigil from across the street, next to a Honda Accord.

I’m Mr Green Christmas, I’m Mr 101!

2007-12-23T01:00:00.000-08:00

They call me Heat Miser...

It's that time of the year again. Christmas specials litter the airwaves, and like a good little consumer of mediocrity, I'm glued to the tube.

Rankin/Bass is responsible for most of my preconceived notions of the holiday season. Rudolph, The Year without Santa Claus, Frosty the Snowman, etc... these were my Christmas tutors.

Now, even as a child I wasn't too fond of the animated style of Frosty. It seemed lifeless, soulless. It wasn't as nice as a Disney animated piece. But it was on during the week on prime time, and it was special... that was good enough for me.

The stop-motion specials were different. I had nothing to compare them to, so that automatically made them awesome. But there has always been something about them that bothered me, and I've never been able to put my finger on it... till now.

Rewatching these specials (back to back on cable) I believe I have finally found what's been nagging me all these years.

One word: Continuity.

I understand the logistics. These specials were produced at different times, and I'm sure the puppets and sets were not saved for future productions, etc... but still.

Santa, Mrs Claus, and the elves are redesigned several times. I'm talking COMPLETE make-over... but everything else stays pretty much the same. That's ok, but the real issue is that we're led to believe all these stories take place within the same universe with the same characters, yet parts of each special contradict themselves.

You've got Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, where he grows up at the end and saves Christmas. Then in Rudolph's Shiny New Year, he's a young reindeer again. Last I check, New Year's comes after Christmas.

In Santa Claus is Comin' to Town, we get Kris Kringle's origin where he faces off against the evil Burgermeister Meisterburger. But fast forward to The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus, and we find out Santa was some kind of magical baby found and raised by a freaky elf girl and this freaky Gandalf-looking deer horn wearing magic giant.

What about The Year Without a Santa Claus and Jack Frost? Where are the Heat Miser and Snow Miser when Jack Frost is going through his adventures?

Yes, I know these are minor gripes, considering these were created for little kids hopped up on candy and soda, who couldn't possibly remember their own names much less little details like these... but I don't care.

Noticing these little contradictions kind of ruins it for me. It's like looking behind the curtain and seeing that the great and powerful OZ is wrinkly old con man.

However, that doesn't mean I won't watch them when they come on. When the Heat Miser hits the stage, all is forgiven, if not forgotten.

The Plight of the Strong Black Woman

2007-08-28T03:00:00.000-07:00

Anyone that knows me knows I have a great dislike for political correctness.

I mean, what happened? One day a switch was flipped and everything I knew was now offensive to one person or another. But the day before, it was fine?

So anyway, being that I much prefer the political UNcorrectness of yesteryear, I thought I'd talk about one of my favorite comicbooks of all time...

"Superman's Girlfriend, LOIS LANE" (Mar/Apr 1958 - Sep/Oct 1974)

The title says it all.
It's not "Lois Lane". It's not "Girl Reporter, Lois Lane" It's not even "The Amazing Sexpot, Lois Lane."
No, it's "Superman's Girlfriend, Lois Lane".

It seems Lois Lane only exists as the chick that dates Superman... no other reason to exist, yet she received her own comic series.

Granted the typical issues revolved around either Lois trying to get Superman to marry her, or Lois marrying either Satan, Bruce Wayne or some convict on death row... Yep, try publishing THAT today, my friends.

My favorite all time issue of this series is, of course :

Superman's Girl Friend Lois Lane 106
Why is this my favorite? Just look at that cover!

That's right... LOIS TURNS INTO A STRONG BLACK WOMAN!

Actually, that's not entirely true. It's more like the the comic book equivalent of going black-face.

Lois Lane wants to cover a story in the ghetto, but the African American folks will not talk to her because, and I quote "SHE'S WHITEY!"

So what's a reporter to do? Why, go to Superman and make him turn you black of course!

Because obviously, that's one of Superman's powers, you know. (He actually uses a Kryptonian machine he keeps in the Fortress, you know, just in case someone he knows ever wants to turn black.)

So a lot of social commentary stuff happens and at the end, just when you think you've been reading an issue of ANOTHER comic book, the real Lois Lane, the one I love, shows up and asks Superman to marry her.

Of course he says, "No." (As always.)

And Lois, being the investigative reporter she is, assumes that it's because she's black now.

Superman then gives her a verbal pimpslap and pretty much tells her to stop being stupid, and gives her the old tired "I can't marry you because my enemies would use you against me, blah, blah, blah..." excuse.

Like you'd expect, her blackness wears off at the end of the day, and she's back to being plain old whitey again.

But don't let the ending stop you from enjoying such gems as Lois's regular cabbie refusing to pick her up cause she's black, forcing Lois to -OH NO- ride the subway! That's worth the price of admission alone, my friends. So is her fascination with her brand spanking new "AFRO WEAR!"

You just can't make this stuff up.

So, for a taste of yesteryear with the stupidity of today, pick up this issue. I promise you, it won't disappoint.

If the glove doesn't fit... You're a nitwit.

2007-05-27T04:00:00.000-07:00

Fashionistas annoy me.

You know the kind. Those women who pay enormous amount of money for "cute" shoes that don't properly fit, and they can barely stand on them, much less walk on them.

Now, don't get me wrong. I could care less about their impending back problems, and future ankle fractures. I mean, they're the nitwits who would rather be in fashion than in comfort. No, what annoys me off is when this mind set spreads to other parts of their lives, which in a roundabout way, ends up affecting mine.

These kinds of people drive SUV's. These kinds of people don't know HOW to drive SUV's. But they still do, because it's in mode.

They can't make a turn without taking up 2 lanes of traffic. They can't back out of a parking spot without nearly hitting other cars, old people, shopping carts and squirrels. The car is too big for them. It does not fit, properly or otherwise.

Then you have fat people wearing clothing that are several sizes too small. Now, I am not a thin person by any stretch of the imagination. What I am is an observant person. I observe that certain clothes come in certain sizes. There is a reason for that.

Certain designs only look right on certain body types. Does it upset me if I see something nice that comes not come in my size? A little at first, until I realize that there is probably a reason for it. The item looked nice in that size, any larger it might appear to be a colorful circus tent. But some people just don't get it. They fight it, not getting the hint. They must have it because it's the fashion, regardless of the fit. So that's how we end up with Shamu walking the mall in a tube top with fleshy folds of fat trying to escape from any and all openings. Kind of hard to finish your pretzel at the food court after having been witness to that.

It all comes down to fit.

Can you hold your balance on 10 inch platform clogs, one full size too small?
No? Then buy shoes your size.

Are you the kind of person that can handle a big truck?
If not, you are like me. Drive a compact car. Better gas mileage too.

That cute little slinky dress doesn't come in a size bigger than a 2, and you're a size 14?
Look for a dress in size 14. It's that simple.

Da Lucas Code

2007-03-30T05:00:00.000-07:00

Ok, if you don't say it, I will.

I'm tired of hearing people taut about awesome and revolutionary the Da Vinci Code is. I read the book and saw the film. I enjoyed it on the same level as any Jean Claude Van Damme movie.

I don't oppose the so called sacrilegious aspects of the story. Heck, I tend to gravitate towards alternative history theories myself. What I oppose is granting Dan Brown any sort creativity diploma.

This stuff has been researched and written about for years. Want revolutionary and incendiary? Read the "Passover Plot", digest it and then add a little bit of "Holy Blood, Holy Grail." These "theories" have been around since the 60's. Nothing new there.

Even his whole fictional adventure aspect has been done before... ask George Lucas about Indiana Jones. Dan Brown describes his main character in the book as "Harrison Ford in Harris tweed"-. Sounds like Professor Jones to me.

Ok... you want a truly sacrilegious story and film, Dan Brown? Pay attention, this is how it's done
:
Make your main character the product of a virgin birth, like Jesus.

Give him anger issues as a child, as the Gnostic gospels claim Jesus had.

Make him part of a religious ruling sect... Jesus again.

Now, make him marry in secret, like Jesus has done in every book since "Holy Blood, Holy Grail"

Then have him turn his back on his religion, like Jesus did to the High Priests.

Have his best friend turn on him...

Now, flip it. Make the main character EVIL! Wow! Different.

Have him have kids. Have the kids grow up and take him out.

There you go.

No, wait... That's the Star Wars Saga....

DARN YOU GEORGE LUCAS! You've foiled Dan Brown again!

So ya... nothing new under the sun my friends.

It's just mediocrity hitting us between the eyes once again.

TAG! No One's IT.

2006-10-15T08:42:00.000-07:00

Last week, Willett Elementary School in Attleboro, Mass., became one of four schools nationwide to ban the playground game of "tag".

Last week, Willet Elementary School also became one of four schools nationwide to showcase their collective stupidity to the world.

Let's see, what possible reason could this school, or any others of the Anti Tag Collective have for the banning of this rite of childhood? Well, here's a list:

1. It's physically dangerous
2. It's psychologically dangerous.

That's a pretty short list, but obviously that's enough to not only ban "tag" but "dodge ball" as well.

You know, kids are pretty resilient. They fall down, they get scraped knees, they get back up and play some more. You can't learn to get up unless you fall first, you know.

But kids will trip over their own shoelaces while sitting still, they don't need to run around chasing each out to fall down, so the "physically dangerous" excuse is bull.

Heck, you wanna play what's dangerous in the schoolyard? How about football? Football is physically dangerous.

Tag is running. Football is running and hitting.

Running=good. Hitting=ouch.

And the stigma of being "It" is psychologically detrimental? Maybe it's just me, but I enjoyed being "It." You hunted down your classmates, and tagged them, hard! That's fun. But seriously, you want to talk about what is psychologically dangerous? How about a quarterback picking on a nerd everyday? Then that nerd comes back with a gun and shoots up the school.

THAT is psychologically AND physically dangerous wouldn't you say?

You want to ban dangerous school activities?

Ban FOOTBALL, not tag.

Then we can all learn to speak French and salute a white flag.

6/6/06-The Time is NOW!

2006-06-06T08:38:00.000-07:00

We are in The End Times.

The signs are all around, let we continue to ignore them.

Nature is revolting.
Wars are spreading.
Famine, pestilence, and poverty....

And now, the biggest sign of them all, the Antichrist has been revealed, yet we continue to ignore it.

I've read Revelation. It starts now.

It ends in December of 2012, according to the Mayan calendar... but it starts now, 6 years, 6 months before the end of times.

Open your eyes!

The Antichrist smiles, lures you into a false sense of security, introduces you to the New "Religion" of "Science" and leads you away from the true path!

TOM CRUISE, you sanctimonious jackass, I HAVE YOUR NUMBER!

IT IS SIX HUNDRED THREESCORE AND SIX!

That, and I saw "Eyes Wide Shut", and I want my money back.

The Unwashed Masses

2006-03-12T08:35:00.000-08:00

Florida does not host many Sci-Fi, Comic, Toy, or Pop Culture Conventions.

It has two main ones, in Orlando: FX and Megacon. Both these shows occur about the same time, once a year. Usually around January or February.

This is unlike California or NY which seem to host one every month it seems.

Being a fan, I do not mind this. Once a year I make my trek, fill in gaps in my various collections, meet a few D-list celebrities, and on the rare occasion, get to hang out with a childhood icon. My favorite pastimes though, are dork-watching and anime catgirl-counting. My NOT-SO favorite pastime is stink-avoidance. This is what I wish to address here.

Now listen, I understand your nature. You have pasty white skin, due to your avoidance of the sun, being that you live in your mom's basement or above her garage. You are not used to being around so many people, since you spend all your time online playing WoW. That's okay. Every society needs its Morlocks.

But com'on... it's only once a year. Would it kill you to shower for your yearly trip to the surface world?

What? You say that like Samson, your entire HALO fragging l33t skills, and comic minutia reciting powers lay in your unwashed greasy long hair? To this I counter, all your no-girl getting skills also reside within that Crisco covered coif.

I know your mom buys all your stuff for you; your tighty whitey undies don't restock on their own. I bet if you checked the bathroom (that's the "Reading Room" to you) you'll see she's also stocked up on Suave shampoo hoping to get you a girl one day so she can get you the heck out of her house. So no excuses.

Let me put this in a way you'd understand:

You're the Moleman.

You want to get with Sue Storm?

Become Reed Richards.