Thursday, September 26, 2013

On adulthood

As a child I always thought adults knew it all. That's not so strange, considering all authority figures, teachers, and clergy all happened to be adults.

Adults ran the world.

They kept the government working. They kept people healthy. They produced products for consumption. 

Adults took care of me.

It made sense.

And I couldn't wait to become one.

As I grew older I kept waiting for it to happen.

When I turned 18, I got to vote and go to college. I still felt the same. But I was still a teen, so I had to wait I suppose.

When I turned 21, I got to legally hang out at a bar and drink. No difference noticed in how I felt or saw myself. I was considered a "young adult" and still "college age", so maybe it was still in my future.

When I turned 26, I became engaged to get married. However, when I looked in the mirror, I saw that same scared kid who needed a grown up's approval. 

When I turned 30, I was married, had a job with benefits, and had bought my own home. I still didn't feel like a person that had it all together. I still didn't feel like an adult.

I'm now 37. I get called ma'am. I don't get carded when I buy alcohol or cigerretes. I think I can safely call myself an adult.

But I don't feel like one.

I'm still unsure of myself. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm making things up as I go along. And I'm scared because there are no grown ups to take care of me... Because *I* am the grown up.

Is this what adults feel? If so, I changed my mind. I want to be a kid again.


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